So I'm kind of cheating the system by writing to you instead of talking out loud to your face, but I guess I feel like this is kind of a necessary exception since we don't really do the whole deep talks thing. Or I guess we do, but not about like emotions and shit. Except for the one where we declared you officially not crazy but that doesn't count. Even if it's true.
See I don't even know why I'm writing this for sure because the whole point of this holiday thing is airing grievances etc and I pretty much don't have any grievances with you. Like you're kind of an ass but that's the fun part, it's not actually a problem or whatever. I guess maybe it's not just about airing grievances but about getting stuff off your chest, starting fresh because New Years, and I've got some of that I can dish out. Considering you're never actually gonna read this.
I lied to you. I said I trust you and that part's totally true but I also said I wasn't scared of you. I am. I'm seriously scared shitless, not of anything you could do or say but the fact that the more I give a shit about you, the more I get so stupidly paranoid every time you're out of sight that that's gonna be the time you suddenly magically disappear like pretty much everyone else. Like your brother. He didn't even die, Richie. He just freaking poofed, and that's scary as shit.
And that's not even the worst of it, like - I don't even know if all this is real, or if I'm real. See it sucks because you're pretty much the only person who would get it but you're also the last person I can actually admit that too because you already aren't sure I'm real. If I tell you you're gonna start doubting me again and I can't handle that, not both of us doing it. It's bad enough just me, but at least I can tell myself I'm being a freaking idiot and try and move on with my day.
It's actually really stupid in a kind of ironic way... People are so scared to die, but it's like - death? Been there, done that. They're all worried about the unknown beyond aka the afterlife, but here I've been all through up and around the afterlife, I am an afterlife pro, and I did the Limbo thing too. But like, now I'm here in this place, and I've been here for a year and what if it's not even real? What if none of this has been real, what if I'm still in Limbo and it got like fed up with me trying to jailbreak or something and now it's just keeping me busy?? I don't know, that probably sounds stupid to you but at the same time anytime I'm by myself for any reason I'm sitting there like 'what if I only THINK there are other people around?' And I try and find something like the clock thing to prove it's actually reality, but it's seamless so I just feel like screaming until I feel something real. It's kind of a huge mess. I actually wish I weren't writing in pen because I want this whole last paragraph to not be here but I'm also too lazy to restart from the way top. I guess it's fine since you won't read this but I feel idiotic and crazy and pathetic just writing it down. This isn't even supposed to be that kind of letter I don't think. I don't know.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Apologizing is part of the Pancha Ganapati gig but I'd do it even if it weren't right now because I've got like six billion apologies I can't actually say. Like how I'm sorry your brother's gone. You'd tell me it's not my fault, and it probably isn't but I don't care, I'm still sorry. I wish I'd done something. I know I said you're not alone but you probably still feel like it without him and that's bullshit. That shouldn't have happened to you.
And I'm sorry I couldn't get those stupid vampire things off you, just like I'm sorry I can't get that asshole who murdered you off you. I tried and all that did was earn joint custody of the sick fuck. I'm sorry I'm not better at this survival thing. And I'm also sorry I'm not better at saying shit. You're freaking fantastic at it, you don't think you are but trust me, you've said shit to me that nobody ever has and I can't even explain in words what it meant. I just wish I could help you. I don't even know how but you shouldn't have to feel like you're by yourself in this.
And I'm sorry for everything anyone's said to you or called you or any of it, all of it. Like it actually physically pains me that not a single person has ever told you you're not a nutcase. I've met some nutcases, believe you me, and you aren't one of them. You're pretty much one of the best people I know. Violence isn't even usually my thing but I seriously just want to punch everyone who ever said anything different just for being so totally wrong. I know you'd tell me the shit they said isn't my fault either but that's not even the point.
I don't know what else there is to apologize for. Is apologizing for the shit I'm going to inevitably pull in the future an option? No? I didn't think so. I guess that's it, then.
Talk to you in (let's be real) like 5 minutes.
Sally
Edited (found a typo multiple years later) 2019-02-09 13:57 (UTC)
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richie gecko.